I have an ear infection.
My head pounds while I slowly go through changing turnout.
The chains rattle loudly while I unhook the gate.
I halter a young gelding and start to trudge back towards the barn. I listen to his hooves on the gravel while we walk. He sounds lame. I glance at his foot fall. It looks even.
It must be the ear infection distorting the sounds.
Mucking the stalls takes an eon. Each time I bend to lift the wheelbarrow the stall spins.
My heartbeat pounds dully inside my head.
“You need to go to urgent care now.”
My trainer says to me.
I would like to ride.
I shrug.
“I’ll go at the end of the day.”
He shakes his head.
“No. You’ll go now. You aren’t going to go around this miserable all day.”
Fine.
I nod.
“Okay.”
The smell of disinfectant hits me like a wave in the urgent care office. I march up to the front desk and try not to feel too pathetic for myself.
The nurse hands me a form to fill out.
I’ve never been in an urgent care alone before.
I want my mom.
I sit in a green cushioned chair.
We used to have these types of chairs in church. I wonder if it has a pouch on the back for a Bible.
“Hello!” A nurse stands at the door that goes into the back offices. Her voice is squeaky.
I pop out of the chair. My head pounds in response.
“Right this way.” She leads me to a scale in the hallway. I pause.
“If you could just get on the scale for me real quick.”
Is this custom?
I plant my feet.
“Why do you need my weight? I have an ear infection.”
She looks at me for only a beat.
“Weight, height, blood pressure, temperature, heart rate and date of the last cycle is required information for the doctor to see you.” She gestures with an open palm towards the scale.
Don’t be dramatic.
I stand on it.
I run the math in my head.
She writes it down and walks away towards another door.
“Take a seat in here please.”
I follow her and sit.
My mind is in a daze.
Is that right?
104.
No.
It can’t be.
I do it again.
I don’t own a scale.
It has been almost a year since I started this job.
She places the arm cuff on me and takes my temperature at the same time.
How come I still can’t sit the trot?
“What is going on with you today?”
She is at a small monitor, ready to type.
“I think I have an ear infection.”
She nods. Writes it down. Asks me a few more questions.
“The Doctor will be in shortly.”
She walks out.
I should have brought my phone in here to calculate my BMI.
The Doctor comes in, she takes a look inside each of my ears and prescribes me antibiotics.
“Is there anything else?” She asks standing at the monitor.
Yes.
“I have been working hard trying to get fit. I hadn’t seen my weight in a long time. What is my BMI?”
It is already calculated. She pulls it up.
“You are 18.2, so slightly underweight. Would you like me to refer you to a gastroenterologist?”
Absolutely not.
“No, thank you.”
I’ve lost 104 pounds.
I float in line at the pharmacy.
The ear infection feels far away now.
If I am skinny, I should probably start thinking like someone who is skinny. Maybe I will start eating out of Starbucks. Or drink kombucha. Yuck.
I pay for the antibiotics. The pharmacist is a nice- looking young man who hasn’t seen the sun in a while.
I smile at him.
I am not a fat chick anymore.
I take the antibiotics into the bathroom and apply them with my head on the sink.
The CVS bathroom is a single stall, so I don’t have to worry about anyone coming inside.
I stare at the girl in the mirror.
“You did it.”
It feels empty.
I thought if I wasn’t fat anymore I would be able to sit the trot.
I stand sideways and look at my body. My boobs have shrunk significantly. I need new bras.
My pants sag. My belt is holding everything up.
I still feel fat.
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