"You must in all Airs follow the strength, spirit and disposition of the horse, and do nothing against nature; for art is but to set nature in order, and nothing else." – William Cavendish, 1st Duke of Newcastle

I grew up in a religious household. I dislike the term ‘cult’, we did things by my Mother’s best idea of what felt right to her, spiritually. Having moved out, I often hear about the “Patriachry’ but I was raised in a matriarchy so I do not relate.

The story of Eden was one of the first stories my Mother taught us. God made the world in 6 days and on the 7th day he rested. Eden, his garden, was perfect. I can imagine a garden being perfect, working outside, I try to stay intune with my environment.

I like how the grass sparkles in the mornings from the dew.

I like how the afternoon sun makes the air hot and sticky.

I like watching the same maple tree by the horses’ paddock change each season. I can envision a place like Eden and I know my imagining is probably a lightyear away from anything it might have looked like.

I always took the story of Eve personally, as a warning. That was the construct my family’s religion made. Here she was, in this beautiful garden, with a perfect man, and she wanted a thing, she reached for it, she ruined the garden and she was blamed. Some part of me says, how unfair! How could she truly understand what forbidden meant if she had no knowledge of good or evil?

She could not lie. She didn’t know how. She felt no shame, she was simple in her spirit.

This warning of staying virtuous only works when the environment supplies the backdrop. The garden was perfect, the household I grew up in, was not.

“Be easy, do not cry, don’t do the things I see my siblings do that gets them in trouble, maybe if I control the environment, the hurricane will stop.”

And the next thing I know I have spent a decade of my adult like giving and giving trying to control the weather. I am not to blame for the fruit Eve ate.

I am tired of trying to control the weather. And I suddenly understand why she did it.

This is part of growing up. You are allowed to blame your upbringing for a time, but eventually, you must look around and realize your life is the consequence of the fruit you ate.

In my own way, I have taken the apple and eaten a bite. I named the weather that is not mine. I am all done living to control other people’s emotions. I can see the pattern I am stuck in. That is the knowledge. They were exiled from the garden, and I think part of me was scared to face exile.

But my garden is not Eden. My garden is not safe, and it is better to leave it than suddenly find myself 40 years old and in this same spot. To be easy and accommodating was a virtue, but now I see how I have allowed other people to control my life for themselves. I am sad about this, I thought I was building but in reality, I was barely staying afloat.

Change is hard and I love the person whose weather is wild. I have been lost in this hurricane for 7 years now.

It is time to exit the garden.